November 04, 2019

2 am

almost three months since mom passed away. a few days ago, I was listening to of monster and men - black water, i lost it and cried. i guess i cried for thinking how shitty her life must be, battling the worst illness in the world. it must be so frustrating when you can't remember shit. it must be so damn lonely because nobody understands. it must be so heartbreaking knowing that you are still alive but you are losing yourself and you can't control it. it must be so damn scary.

Swallowed by a vicious vengeful sea oh ooh oh-oh
Darker days are raining over me oh ooh oh-oh
In the deepest depths, I lost myself oh-oh-oh-oh
I see myself through someone else.

mom. i don't know where you are right now. 
i want to believe that you're sitting in heaven stroking ginger (my guinea pig) although i know you don't care about that spiritual thing, or maybe you follow what dad believes, the life after death.  it doesn't really matter, all i wish to say is that we are sorry we didn't know any better, and I promise you that your passing won't be for nothing. be happy there ok. we're all gonna be fine here. 

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